So here we are, this is my funeral. Welcome!
Well, first things first. It’s in a church. That was probably mom’s idea of redeeming me from all my faults while I was alive. A way of seeking forgiveness for all my decisions that caused mayhem in the lives of others. It’s like her plea to God that I don’t burn in hell.
I will let it slide even though I was never one for a church. Churches freaked me out. I felt so uncomfortable when I was in one. The smell of hundred-year-old benches stuck to my clothes and I couldn’t help but wonder how many people fell asleep during a service where I sat. Old ladies always glanced my way because I didn’t wear a dress and whispered underneath their breath. Hypocrites.
Hymns, people always sounded like a flock of seagulls gasping for air when they sang. I just lip synced my way through the torture and hoped that I remembered to bring my thanks in the form of a dollar bill.
The flowers are ok I guess. My favourite flower is a Lily, but Tulips seemed to make the cut. The flower of death. How fitting.
“ So sad for your loss Margie” is all I heard as a woman who on this day pretends to be my mother’s friend because I died. How typical of people. I think I only saw her once in my life. My mother also never spoke of her, who is she anyway? Mourning the loss of me? Please. She probably had no one to go have coffee with and talk nonsense to so now she uses this event to grab a cup and pretend to feel sorry. I glare at her in earnest, but she looks straight through me.
My mother is polite as always. Helping people find their seats, asking them to join afterwards for coffee and cake. Somehow she has gotten older overnight. Like life just handed her a few extra lines and a few extra miles. She still looks as pretty as ever to me. I stand close to her, trying to protect her from the people that in my view shouldn’t be here. They didn’t know me. They didn’t see the shit I caused on a daily basis, and if they did, they wouldn’t have come.
I read somewhere that ghosts can manifest themselves by way of touching someone. It’s supposed to have the effect of getting goosebumps. I try to reach my mother’s arm. Nope, no goosebumps, not even a slight sign that she noticed. I need to show her that I am here.
The preacher asks everyone to take their seats, I look over my shoulder to see if he is here. I am so disappointed not to see the one person that I hoped would be here. Where is he? It’s been years of clinging to a promise and now what? Nothing?
I can smell the seats and immediately become nostalgic about my past experiences in churches. Ok, time to focus on what they have to say. My money is on that they will take a scripture out of Ecclesiastes. The one about there is a time for everything.
I probably shouldn’t be so judgmental about this whole event. My mother could have decided to cremate me with a small gathering and eventually toss my ashes in the wind. I have to admit that this day is rather touching. Seeing people here that I haven’t seen in a long time, seeing people I didn’t think cared about me at all. Maybe they are here to cleanse their conscience? Or maybe, just perhaps they really did love me and are really sorry that I am no longer walking the planet.
Everyone is wearing black, except me. No, I am not wearing white as you imagined. I am wearing my favourite torn jeans and my favourite shirt that my mom hated. You have to be comfortable in the afterlife, and this outfit screams comfort.
My sister is sitting tightly next to my mother. She is very young, and I don’t think that she grasps the magnitude of what is happening at the moment. “Mommy, I need to go to the toilet” came a loud request from her. Without hesitation, my mother took her hand, got up and walked passed me with my sister to the bathroom. My mother always did her best with us. My sister smells of innocence and cookies. I wish I could have seen her grow into a beautiful and demanding woman. I wonder if I will have a view from where I end up after today? My sister turns and waves at me. My jaw dropped. The little bugger can see me? How? She smiles and makes her way to the bathroom.
Still no sign of him. Well, what a letdown. The one day that he has the opportunity to come and say goodbye but no. I guess you can never rely on people and their promises.
The preacher carries on about the afterlife and how beautiful it is. I cannot relate at this point as I am stuck in a church where the seats smell of wood polish, no one can see me except my 4-year-old sister and the one person that was supposed to be here isn’t. There is no light from above beckoning me to move towards the surreal inclining of the heavenly afterlife. This isn’t what I expected at all.
I decided to take a stroll through the seats and see who decided to come. I skipped the whole family area because they have to be here. Even my aunt who I blatantly called a cow is here. Family responsibility can overcome any form of hatred. She came to keep the peace, not to see me off.
Everybody has the same look in their eyes. The look of “she could have done so much more if she had the time” the expressionless stare towards the coffin. Some people are having conversations and making arrangements for what to do afterwards. Strange thing loss is, somehow we tend to try and move on with our lives a quickly as possible.
Yes, I knew it. There is a time for everything!! I could jump up and down because I was right and that’s just what I did, next to the preacher in front of everyone. The only person thinking it was funny was my sister. My mom looks at her and asks why she is giggling. “Sissie is funny.” Now my mother’s jaw drops and I stand completely still, frozen like I have been spotted. “Is she here?” My mother frantically scans the room like I would miraculously be there…Why can’t I just be seen when I want to be? Maybe I must try to touch her again.
“Sissie is in heaven with the angels my darling” my mother tried to explain to my sister. “No she isn’t” she called out. I could see that people were starting to whisper, so I went to sit next to my sister and put my finger over my mouth as I showed her to ssssh! She nodded and played with her doll.
It was almost time for family and friends to say a few words. This is going to be interesting. This is probably the only time I will hear a group of people collectively tell lies about me. Pretty lies to make the loss seem more bearable to my family.
Once the speeches started, I suddenly have this change of emotion. I feel saddened. You are not supposed to feel sad in the afterlife because people told me that it’s a happy place and you cant feel sadness. Well, I have news for them when they die.
Suddenly I feel the tears running down my cheeks. Ghost tears probably, because that is what I am now, a ghost. Glancing over to my mother and I could see the amount of pain within her streaming out of her eyes like a waterfall in the rainy season. My heart broke. If only I knew I was on my way out. I would have done so much more, gave so much more and I would have been a better daughter to her. I felt heavy.
My best friend was up next. I am starting to feel uncomfortable because she knew things no one else did. Let’s hope for the best. “She was the wildcard, the ill-tempered sweetheart that drove people insane. She left us too soon. She left us in the chaos she created and is probably laughing at all of us because we take life to seriously. She was my best friend. She made me smile, and she made me cry. Together we were unstoppable.”
Ghost tears.
Man, I am going to miss her. She was one of the few people that really knew me so when she spoke it poked my heart.
Oh great, hymn time. At least I don’t have to lip-sync through this one or bring thanks. A flock of seagulls. After the second verse, I decided to take a walk outside to see if maybe he was so shattered that he couldn’t walk through the door of the church and waited outside. He has to be here. He promised.
No sign of him and I could feel the anger flare up inside. Why couldn’t he just be there for me for once damnit!
Back inside things were drawing to a close. All I could think about was if I was supposed to walk next to my coffin on the way to the hearse. Should I get in? Should I just wait? I have never died before you know. People started to walk towards the exit. It was only my mother, my uncle and a few of my cousins left that had to carry me. I am not going to lie, it was really hard seeing these people that I grew up with and knew my whole life picking me up only to hoist me down a hole as they say goodbye. They will probably throw a few roses on the coffin on my way down. That’s the tradition.
The preacher says a few words, and off we go to the cemetery. I thought that only the family would come, but it seems that everyone in the church followed the hearse. I felt enlightened. I felt loved at that moment. Probably more loved than I ever felt when I was alive.
The tombstone was beautiful, a sculpture of an abstract man with a massive hole in the middle. Engraved next to it were the words “Here she lays, in my heart.” Ghost tears.
People started to gather around the hole where my body will lay forever or at least until a developer buys the land and build townhouses on it. If you were wondering the afterlife didn’t take away my ironic sense of sarcasm.
The preacher began to talk about saying goodbye. The tears started to flow from everyone’s eyes. Touching really. While another sermon was on the go, I decided to join my little sister playing close by.
“ I love playing with you,” I said to her. She looked at me and giggled.
“Where are you going?” she asked me.
“ I am going far far away, but I will always be very close to you.”
“Are there bunnies where you are going?” came the innocent question.
“There are more bunnies where I am going than you have ever seen. I will keep them with me until you come to visit me one day. We can play with them together.”
She looks at me, and for a brief moment, I realised that she misses me already and that I am going to miss it all.
Time for everyone to say their goodbyes. No roses in sight. Instead, each person put an item that reminded them of me on my coffin. From a cigarette to a photo, there was even a jet black lipstick on there. They started to hoist the casket down, and a sudden panic ensued. What now? What’s next. I looked at my mother and reached out to hold her hand in a state of panic, of fear. She got goosebumps. She whispered, “I Love you” and turned her attention to my sister as she threw her favourite doll on the coffin. I Think she will regret that later. I watched my mother walk with my sister towards the car. Knowing that they will now miss me forever while trying to live their lives. I wanted to run after them but realised that my time was up. No use in trying to stay with them. We all have to move on.
Everyone has gone. The party was over for me, but they get to have cake, coffee and another day to live their lives. My whole life crammed into a two-hour nutshell of shoulda, woulda, coulda. Was that it? Where is that damn light that everyone was talking about?.
“Hello Love”, came the familiar voice that almost caused me to ghost faint. It was him. Staring in front of me down to my coffin, he casually took his place next to me.
“Nice outfit,” he said. “Didn’t expect anything less.”
Still funny as ever.
“I remember the day I left, you were playing on the grass just like your sister while people said goodbye to me. Do you remember how I came to sit with you?”
No words came out of my mouth, there weren’t any. I just stared at my father and was thankful that I didn’t have to miss him anymore. Losing him was the one thing in my life that tormented me. “I told you that I will come to get you one day and walk with you into eternity.”
“I thought you weren’t going to come” I muffled. My father smiled at me.
“I made plenty of promises when I was alive, but this one I intended to keep”
I took his hand, and suddenly, there it was, the light.
I knew at that moment everything will be alright. So together we walked into eternity. My father kept his promise from all those years ago, and my heart was whole again.
Who knew, I guess the afterlife has happiness after all.
nicolewillwrite 