Entering the ” Mommy world”

 

So here I am sitting with the insomnia symptom of pregnancy late at night while my husband is blissfully snoring away, wondering if there is a chance that there might be a chocolate that I missed somehow in the pantry….
I decided not to share the news of my pregnancy on social media in the beginning for various reasons. I felt it was such a personal thing for me and that social media robs you of the special personal moments by displaying everything in public. There are mommies who share everything on social media and that is fine, I am just not one of them.
One thing that I did during my pregnancy was to limit the amount of advice that I took from people. People (including the non-pregnant me) can become a library of advice that can confuse a first-time mommy. I was told the strangest things from the beginning. I actually became quite anxious because I felt that I would have a horrible pregnancy after I heard all the stories from other mommies and people. I anxiously waited for the sheer terror and horror of being pregnant to hit me. It turns out half of what I was told was total BS in my case and my pregnancy has been one of the best times in my life.
I was one of the lucky mommies I guess. I never had morning sickness. I picked up 15kg’s during my pregnancy and not 30kg’s like I was told I would. I didn’t feel like death every day. I did feel like I might have developed narcolepsy as I was constantly dead tired, so I slept ALL the time for the first trimester. My feet and body didn’t swell. I am 35 weeks pregnant and I still wear high heels. I eat my steak rare (like always) and my baby is healthy. I enjoy my sweets from time to time. I binge on fruit and my baby isn’t diabetic. I try to exercise, which is a challenge, due to lack of breath. I drink coffee once a day. I sleep on my back and my baby hasn’t managed to strangle himself. I take hot baths that are supposedly bad for my baby. My baby boy loves a hot bath. I can tell by the way he instantly kicks and becomes active. I don’t play classical music for brain development. I play music that I like for him.
I do all the things that people warned me about without worrying that my baby might die a horrible death if I have meat that is not scorched. I decided to follow my instincts and to trust myself during this pregnancy. I was told a very wise thing by my gynaecologist. Every mom that gives you advice only has the experience of the number of children she has. She doesn’t know everything and that I found to be very true during my pregnancy. We as humans tend to want to help and give our experience a voice when it comes to someone that is, like in my case, going through pregnancy.
Let me tell you the conversations ranged from where my child will be attending school, when will I send him to pre-school? Am I going to breast feed and am I totally crazy for wanting to give birth naturally? It’s a whirlwind of conversations and information that can leave you very overwhelmed if you don’t take caution. The best thing that any women can do who has gone through pregnancy is to keep quiet until you are asked for information or to share your story. You might have had a tough pregnancy but that doesn’t mean that the next woman will.
I was always one of the people that couldn’t understand why pregnant people became less social. Now I am eating my words. Baby- less friends tend to state that once you are pregnant and have a baby that you go missing from the social circle that you don’t spend so much time with them anymore. It is the opposite. I honestly feel that baby-less friends should be considerate like some of my girlfriends were when it comes to their pregnant friends. I don’t want to party with you (dead sober) till one in the morning like I used to. I want to chill because I am busy building another human being. Baby- less friends tend to find the process of pregnancy boring especially when they are party animals. So it’s not the pregnant mommy that becomes less social necessarily it’s the party friends that tend to move away from the pregnant mommy for various reasons. There are some people in my life that I find completely boring without me having had few drinks. There are people that I now realize were never really true friends. They were drinking and partying friends. It’s a sad fact. But that is life. When you are pregnant the real friends step up and the rest dwindle making empty promises for coffee dates that never happen or they just disappear off the face of the earth.
People told me that my marriage will take a knock because of the baby and the pregnancy. Bullshit, my husband and I are closer than ever. We are a team. If you allow these things to get between you and your husband it’s your own fault. Don’t let people put all sorts of nonsense in your mind. Only you and your husband can decide what affects you negatively.

Some people will actually tell you stories of mommies who carried their babies full term only to have them pass away at birth…Seriously people…that is not an appropriate story to tell an expectant mommy…How socially impaired can you be?
Being pregnant is an amazing experience if people don’t try to ruin it by getting you all worked up. I decided to share a simple photo of myself on social media during week 34. I didn’t say anything I just posted the photo and the response was great however within minutes I received various messages from various people asking me ten thousand questions on what my future plans are for my baby – Breastfeeding, schools, clubs that I need to join, babies can drown so I need to take him for swimming lessons. He needs to go to clamber club or other activities as soon as possible to stimulate him. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I actually told a few people to leave me alone as I am mentally stable and can make decisions for my child without their input

I will write about the lighter side and the glowing side of pregnancy again soon. This article is for first-time mommies. Don’t let other moms make you nervous because their experience will not be the same as yours. Take your pregnancy day by day and try to enjoy every moment. You will learn so much about yourself and your body. You don’t need to compete with anybody or prove anything to other mommies who have gone through pregnancy. There are good days and bad days and that is normal. Choose who you listen to because trust me you don’t want to listen to everybody. Nobody actually knows what they are doing so follow your gut and your heart. You also don’t need to share every detail of your pregnancy with the world. Keep some of these precious moments for you and your husband.

Till next time…

 

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Being the better person.

 

Let’s face it…we all have certain people in our lives that we cannot stand let alone be nice to. We all have those people that have betrayed our trust and hurt us, the people who stab you from behind and ask you why you are bleeding. I can also guarantee that somewhere along the line you were the person who hurt someone, betrayed their trust and left a bad taste in their mouth.

One thing I have realized in my life is that it doesn’t help to carry that anger. It doesn’t help wishing they would die or that Karma would drive over them and then some.  Sure its sound cool and looks like an action film in your mind but I really don’t think it will better the pain that you experienced when they were around.

I used to worry about gossip and what people say about me. I used to care so much about being liked that I got to a point in my life where I didn’t know who I was anymore and that is a pretty lonely and isolated place to be in your life. I felt that I had to justify my past just in case someone heard something about me that wasn’t true. I was constantly worried that I would be misunderstood. Life taught me that it doesn’t matter what you do people will talk whether it’s good or bad. It doesn’t reflect who you are it reflects who they are.

Maybe you are facing this as we speak. The angel and the devil are dancing on your shoulders giving you two different scenarios. Revenge can be so great however revenge will show how weak in character you are. Revenge is probably something that has the shortest lifespan of satisfaction and the impact can be very negative.

We all make mistakes. Not every person can be liked by everyone. Some people find comfort in big circles while others like me keep it small. Doesn’t matter where you feel comfortable just know that somewhere there will come a time where you will have to choose. There will come a time where you will have to choose to be the better person and let me tell you it is the hardest thing to do. To fight against your hurt is hard. To calm yourself and the revenge you seek is hard but it can be done.

The best revenge is a happy life, a healthy soul and the knowledge that you have lived through that betrayal. Chances are that you will be the one that comes out on top in the long run. Be nice because maybe karma will allow you a front row seat the day the tables turn.

So get dressed, smile and face your demons. There is no better way than through it. Choose who you spend your time with but when the past comes knocking handle it with grace instead of arrogance and hatefulness. Choosing to be the better person will help you to become the better person.

Finding your inner peace.

Trust me this sounds much easier than it actually is. Inner peace. I thought it would be easy to just relax and go through the day with no intention of harming anyone annoying or throwing a sarcastic remark at a dumb question. This turned out to be more complicated than I thought. I decided to go on a journey to forgive all the people that have done me wrong in my life and all the people that I imagined would die a horrible death. I wanted to purify my heart and be brand new. A Fresh start. I read books on how to calm myself and become centered. I read books on embracing your inner being and allowing yourself to be human. I stretched myself into weird positions while listening to music that sounds like it came from a village in the jungle. I sat on a mat in the garden under a tree, I breathed, slowly. I tried

One thing I am good at is throwing a fit. Seriously if there was a world championship title I would have it consecutively. This however is not something I am very proud of. I have always stood up for myself but I realized that you will shorten your life to a great extend if you go through life expecting a fight around every turn. It’s exhausting to say the least. It’s exhausting to always want to be right. Just step away from the damn argument and be on your way. That is what I am teaching myself at this stage in life.

One thing that is very hard to do especially for me is to bite my tongue. Some people might consider me rude because I open my mouth when injustice is knocking. I can’t handle bad service and will literally burn a building to the ground. I don’t like people that think they are superior because they have a title in a business that they don’t even like and if it wasn’t for the money they would resign. I don’t like passionless individuals that just live to get through the day. I realized I needed to change, not for the people that don’t have passion for the job they are doing but to prevent myself from having a heart attack before I am forty. It was time to accept the things I could not change and you know how the rest goes.

To do a mind shift of such proportions proved to beat me time and time again. Certain days I would have said ten curse words before 09h00 the morning and I would be playing out arguments in my mind that could possibly happen. Other days I felt like I finally understood what inner peace felt like. Inner peace was far from who I was. I was more like a hurricane. I realized that I have to make an effort to be peaceful. Whoever said that peace just comes to you is either drugged or asleep. Peace takes work. Peace takes a lot of thought and harnessing of the mind. Peace means that your emotions need to be handled and they should not handle you and for an emotional and expressive person like myself is damn hard to do. It’s like a boot camp for the soul.

I was determined to find my inner peace. I was certain my little cloud of euphoria was out there and that I to can breeze through life. Peaceful.

How was I going to find peace in this world? This world is anything but peaceful. I just knew I had to try because my poor husband was a nervous wreck and I was becoming more and more unhappy in my life even though I had a wonderful life. I have a fantastic life so why am I unhappy. What is wrong with me? I Think I might be insane. I had everything except peace.

Firstly I learned something that was horrible to accept and to decide upon. Ready for it – MY OPINION WASN’T ALWAYS NEEDED. This revelation slammed me but it was the truth. So slowly but surely I reserved my opinion in conversations. Let me tell you that that is probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. I ended up missing half of the conversation because I was giving my opinion in my mind. After a few months of practice it has improved but I still have a long way to go

Then I realized that the world doesn’t owe me. Now I know it sounds mundane, I mean, we all know the world doesn’t owe us anything right. Knowing and believing are two very different things let me tell you. You might know that the world doesn’t owe you but boy, wait till the world gives it to you bad then we perform. Then we blame the world, oh the world is so unfair, oh I just can’t get a break. You know the usual statements that we regularly give. I realized that I had to start believing that the world didn’t owe me. I can say that I have passed that stage and I am a believer!! Hahaha! Bring it world!

I realized that I what I say and how I say something is very important . Because I am rather short I feel the need to elevate my voice in order to be heard. It’s like that small lizard in the desert that stands up when a threat comes close. The bigger you look the more intimidating you will be. I must admit that I have yet to pass this test especially when it comes to bad service. I have however managed to speak in a low and even tone whilst explaining why I am upset to the consultant that clearly has no interest in my problem because it is ten minutes before her lunch break. I could only manage to do this for Three minutes and then my little desert lizard jumped out from behind me and flared up like a tornado. Needless to say, then the consultant did her job quick quick. Nevertheless I am aiming to resolve conflict in a professional and calm manner from now on so now I stay at home and let my husband do the talking as he has far more finesse than me. Win Win. I have managed to control my tongue but possibly my biggest test will be to conquer my facial expressions. I have yet to even attempt this so I cannot comment on how to do this. My face is like a separate planet here dumb things are not accepted. My face is bad.

I realized that I have inner peace. My inner peace comes between 21h00 – 00h0 at night when everything is quiet and I can stare at the stars. My inner peace came from making my husband supper and talking to him about his day. My inner peace is brushing my horse. I have a lot of inner peace especially when I am alone. No drama. The trick came to have inner peace around people.

So until I reach that inner peace stage where it can flow over to people that annoy me or people that I don’t like I have decided to keep sitting under the tree breathing, to keep stretching to keep training my thoughts and emotions until I am finally there. Until then I suggest people don’t do anything stupid!

Have a inner peaceful day

Die probleem met my kleur.

 

Ek was nog nooit iemand wat my veel steur aan politiek of die opinies van mense wat ander mense in bokse plaas en dink omdat een mens ‘n sekere manier is dat almal so is nie.
Ek het ‘n dik vel waneer dit by opinies kom en hoe mense dink dat hul opinie water dra waneer dit gegee word. Ek het ook al baie vroeg in my lewe geleer dat opinie nie elke keer gegee moet word nie. ‘N opinie wat jou oningelig laat klink doen meer skade en gooi petrol op die vuur.
Daar is baie min opinies wat insiggewend is, meeste is maar gegee uit die gevoel dat jy ‘n reg het om jou stem dik te maak. Meeste opinies het baie woede as ‘n ondertoon. Baie vêr van opbouend af.
Ek sit hier voor hierdie skerm en wroeg om hierdie te skryf want ek breek nou die een reel wat ek vir myself gestel het. Ek wil nie my vel kleur ‘n fokus punt maak nie. Ek voel tog dat wat ek nou gaan deel nie noodwendig ‘n opinie is nie maar ‘n ervaring. Ek gee ook glad nie raad oor hoe ‘n mens te werke moet gaan as dit by rassisme kom nie. Ek is nie ingelig genoeg om dit te doen nie. Ek is maar net iemand wat probeer verstaan.
Ek sit en kyk vir myself in die spieel,veral my vel kleur. Ek het nog nooit gevoel ek moet ‘n ander kleur wees nie. Ek kan dit nie eers indink nie. Ek wonder toe as ek kon kies of ek ‘n ander kleur sou wou wees? Ek wonder toe of iemand van ‘n ander kleur graag my kleur sou wou wees? Ek het nooit gevoel in my lewe dat ek voordeel getrek het oor my kleur nie. Dalk omdat ek nie so groot gemaak is nie. Ek is groot gemaak dat alle mense ewe veel waarde het ongeag van status, kleur of agtergrond. Tog word daar vir my gese ek het. Dit bly maar weereens die opinie van iemand anders. Iemand wat my nie ken nie en dus dra dit geen water nie.
Tog dra ek ‘n juk op my skouers omdat my velkleur ‘n simbool is vir ander wat swaar gekry het. Die simbool verteenwoordig pyn van ‘n tyd toe ek nog nie eers gebore was nie. Tog word ek in ‘n boks geplaas. Haatspraak word teen mense met dieselfde kleur as ek uitgespreek uit woede oor die verlede. Ek besef toe hoe moeilik mense vergewe. Ek besef toe ook hoe mense so graag gehoor wil word en hoe mense net wil hê iemand moet hul pyn raak sien.
Met dit gesê voel ek tog woede in my met ‘n tikkie sprakeloosheid. Ek kry nie my kop om sekere dinge nie. Daar word baklei vir die reg om Vryheid van spraak te hê. Sosiale platforms bied dit maar tog as iemand dalk net iets sê wat iemand nie van hou nie word dit ‘n “media frenzy” Mense word afgedank en beswadder omdat hul juis hul opinies gelig het. Vryheid van spraak is nie so vry nie.
Ek glo ook nie dat vryheid van spraak vir enige mens altyd ‘n goeie ding is nie. Dit is nie konstruktief nie. Sekere dinge hoort in jou dagboek, privaat en nie vir die wêreld om te sien nie. Jy moet in die lyne beweeg as dit by ras kom wat verstaanbaar is maar van wat ek op sosiale platforms sien is die woede baie eensydig. Dit is asof mense iets soek om iemand te teiken. Mense soek uitlaat vir hul woede, uitlaat vir hul pyn, uitlaat van hul vrese.
Ek kan nie verstaan hoe een mens openlik ander kan aanspoor om mense van ‘n ander kleur of geloof te vermoor nie? Ek kan nie verstaan hoe een mens die besluit maak om bejaardes te teiken om hul punt oor te dra nie? Ek kan nie verstaan hoe kinders verkrag word nie? Hoe vrouens vermoor word terwyl hul mans vasgebind is en moet toekyk nie, magteloos? Ek verstaan nie hoe iemand in ‘n winkel sentrum instap en begin skiet nie? Ongeag van kleur. Dit kom neer op wat jy as mens van gemaak is in jou binneste. Dit kom neer op die vergifnis wat jy weier om te aanvaar of om te gee. Sulke mense leef in soveel donker, sulke mense glo so ‘n leun. Die leun dat hul aleen is, die leun dat hul die enigste mense is wat pyn het. Dit wys my net hoe gebroke mense is. Dit wys my die wraak wat iemand teenoor ander voel.
Kom ons sê al die mense wie jy dink jy haat word uitgewis op die aarde, dink jy vir een oomblik dat jy Vryheid en vrede gaan hê? Inteendeel, as al die mense wat jy haat weg is gaan jy jouself in die gesig moet staar. Een of ander tyd gaan jy met jou verlede moet reken. Een of ander tyd gaan jy moet aanvaar dat jy seer het. Dit is al hoe jy gaan genees. Dit is nie maklik om te laat gaan van die verlede nie. Die verlede en dinge van die verlede wat jy saamdra maak nie wie jy is nie. Dit is iets wat met jou gebeur het. Om te vergewe en te laat gaan is seker die moeilikste ding om te doen maar met dit gesê dit is die een ding wat opbouend is en wat sal seker maak dat jou pad vorentoe nie so swaar sal wees nie. Vergifnis is vrede. Punt.
Stel jou voor ons kon mekaar vergewe en in harmonie saam lewe? Stel jouself voor ons kon saam aan ‘n land bou wat soveel waarde het vir almal? Is dit so onmoontlik? Hoekom is vergifnis nerens te sien nie?
Ek kom tot die groot beseffing. Die probleem met my vel kleur lê nie by my nie. Die probleem met my kleur lê by die person wat seer het. Die probleem lê by die persoon wat so bang is om te vergewe want hul glo hul hele identiteit is gebaseer oor hoe swaar dit was, of hul nou deel van daardie tyd was of nie. Ek dink dit is baie hartseer dat mense so bang is om te laat gaan want wat as hul nie weet wie hul eintlik is nie? Ons almal klou aan iets wat ons laat voel ons het waarde. Die vraag moet gevra word of dit waaraan jy vasklou jou weerhou om te word wie jy eintlik moet wees? My vel kleur is maar net ‘n slaansak vir die een wat nie kan laat gaan nie, wie sukkel om te vergewe en al word ek uitgewis gaan daardie persoon nogsteeds seer hê.
Die probleem met my kleur is nie my probleem nie. Al wat ek kan doen is om seker te maak ek bly ‘n goeie en getroue mens deur dit alles. Ek glo dat die Here wil hê ons moet mekaar vergewe. Dit is al hoe almal op dieselfde vlak kan kom en saam aan iets bou.
My vel kleur is nie wie ek is nie, my vel kleur is die pakkie waarin ek kom en ek is trots op wie en wat ek is. Ek is vry want ek kan vergewe, ek is vry want ek glo dat daar goed in elke mens is.
My velkleur is nie my probleem nie. My velkleur is die simbool van die seer waarmee jy weier om vrede te maak en te laat gaan. Solank mense seer het sal hul altyd iemand of iets probeer blameer.
Vergifnis is al wat dit sal laat weggaan.

To the farmer, forgive us …

To the farmer, forgive us …

I am not a farmer, my husband and myself have a small holding just outside Bloemfontein where we farm with a few sheep and Lucerne. Today was a heart wrenching day for me. My Damara – ram “Oupa” refused to stand up. I tried everything to get him to get back up but alas. He was laying in the sun and I tried to drag him towards the shade as the heat was unbearable. He fought with a younger ram and I suspect that he obtained injury to his skull. I have to also say that he was very old. He had a great life, always fed, enough water and was taken care of like a king. The draught was not the reason he passed. I stared into his eyes while he lay there. I felt so helpless. I sat next to him and cried, thanked him for giving us many pregnant ewes while trying to get him to at least eat some Lucerne I had with me, nothing. I contacted my husband to arrange with our foreman to end his misery. I was heartbroken.

This traumatic moment got me thinking. My heart bleeds for the farmer when he knows he has to make a decision to load his gun, walk towards his cattle or sheep, ask for forgiveness while they stare at him thinking that maybe he brought food and pull the trigger. If I felt that way about one sheep that I had to take care of and had to let go of how must a farmer feel in this situation? What sadness they must feel while having to do this? Its torture. I cannot imagine how helpless you must feel to look into that animal’s eyes and sense their hunger knowing you cannot help.
My heart bleeds for the farmer that stick his hands into dry land and only holds dust while he is on his knees praying for rain. My heart bleeds for the farmer that has sleepless nights wondering how he and his family will survive. I cannot imagine how hard it is to return home, to face his wife and children when he feels this way. So you stay in the field a little longer just to gather yourself. My heart bleeds for the wives that can do nothing but stand by and watch as their husbands go through hell. My heart bleeds.

My heart bleeds for the farmworkers who don’t know whether they will still have jobs. They have families that depend on them to.

My heart bleeds for the animals who so desperately want food that they run alongside the fences towards the farmer’s vehicle when they see him and all he can do is to show them empty hands. How helpless must one person feel when they cannot provide for their animals? All he can do is say “I have nothing”. My heart bleeds for the farmer who feels like a failure because he cannot provide. The helplessness must be overwhelming to say the least.

I looked at my plate tonight and realized that everything on it comes from a farmer. I realized how I never just sat down and said thank you to our farmers. I was embarrassed. I struggled to eat. I was overcome with sadness.

Farmers, forgive us. Forgive us for never realizing the impact you actually have on our lives. Forgive us for taking everything for granted. Our meat is packaged neatly and our vegetables washed and fresh in the stores. People don’t realize if they pick up a product in a store how much blood and sweat went into producing the very food we need to survive.
Forgive us for thinking that food is a right. That food will always be there. We don’t realize that tomorrow it could be gone. Forgive us for not realizing how good you are to us. I believe you are the people in this country who ask for the least but actually need the most. You never make noise when times are tough. You just go down on your knees and pray. You trust that there will be provided for you.
I read about farmers who sat in their barns and pulled the trigger and ended their own lives. That they prefer death instead of the sadness and helplessness. “A Captain never leaves his ship they say. I cannot even begin to imagine how desperate and sad a farmer must be to do this. Nobody wants to be seen as a disappointment. Not to his fellow man, his farm or his animals. It makes my heart heavy.

Forgive us for just shaking our heads and only feeling sorry. Forgive us for liking a post with no actual thought about what you are facing. We like and sympathize then move on with our day. A like on a Facebook post doesn’t provide feed for your animals, a like doesn’t bring rain and a like doesn’t save lives. Our opinions don’t change the reality you are facing every day.

I feel people who aren’t farmers are too afraid to actually realize what is happening. We prefer not to think about it. We cast a blind eye. We prefer to believe that everything will work out and be ok. Forgive us. I don’t think people want to be sad. If I felt so heart sore because of one sheep I cannot imagine the pain you have to feel for a whole field or barn full of animals. I cannot imagine the strain you take when you cannot plant your crops and provide.

Forgive us that we cannot feel your desperation. We don’t know what it is to have to give away livestock just because we don’t have food for them. We complain about plants dying in our gardens and how unfair life is. We don’t understand how it feels to be standing where crops should be, in the dust, only to look up to the heavens and ask “why” while the desperation and sadness overcome you. We don’t understand, forgive us. We don’t understand the love, determination, perseverance and faith it takes to feed a nation. We can learn so much from you.

Forgive us for not always being able to help. We have taken you and everything you do for us for granted. Farmers are supposed to supply, that’s their job right? Forgive our arrogance and ignorant attitudes.

I admire each farmer, large and small. I want you to know that you are in my prayers. I want you to know that you are the foundation of this country and that without you we can do nothing. Take heart, help is coming. Take heart, people are praying for you. Help is on the way! Have courage, we need you!

Forgive us.

Aan die Boer, Vergewe ons…

Ek is nie ‘n boer nie, ek en my man het ‘n hoewe buite Bloemfontein waar ons met lusern boer en ‘n paar skape het. Vandag was vir my ‘n sielsdodende dag. Ons Damara ram Oupa het vandag net gaan lê. Hy het goeie jare gehad en het vir ons baie dragtige ooie gegee. Ek moes hom sleep in die koelte in want hy kon nie meer staan nie. Hy en ‘n ander ram het baie baklei en ek glo het hy skade aan sy skedel opgedoen. Met dit gesê was hy ook al oud. Hy was nooit honger nie, hy was goed na gekyk, hy het nooit harde tye geken nie. Ek het by hom gesit en huil, mooi met hom gepraat en dankie gesê. Ek het my man gebel en gereel dat ons werker hom uit sy elende haal.
Dit het my laat dink. My hart bloei vir die boer wat sy haelgeweer moet laai en die besluit maak om sy beeste te skiet. Om in die kraal of land in te stap en jammer te sê vir sy skepper dat hy dit nou moet doen, my hart bloei vir die boer. As ek so gevoel het oor een skaap waarna ek moes omsien hoe hartverskeurend is dit nie vir ‘n boer wat sy beeste in die oë moet kyk en saggies jammer vir hul sê voor hy die sneller trek nie. Hoe hartseer jy moet voel om in jou diere se oë te kyk en hul honger te kan aanvoel.
My hart bloei vir die boer wat sy hande in stof druk terwyl hy op sy knieë in sy land is en bid vir reen. My hart bloei vir die boer wat slapelose nagte het en wonder of hy en sy familie ‘n toekoms het. My hart bloei om te dink hoe moeilik dit is om huistoe te gaan en in jou vrou en kinders se oë te kyk so dan bly jy maar nog ‘n paar minute in die land om jouself bymekaar te kry. My hart bloei vir die vrouens van daardie boere wat hulpeloos bystaan en kyk hoe haar man deur hel gaan.
My hart bloei vir die werkers wat nie weet of hulle nog werk gaan hê nie.
My hart bloei vir die diere wat langs die drade afhardloop agter die boer se bakkie aan en smeek vir kos. Die hulpeloosheid wat ‘n boer moet voel terwyl hy sy leë hande optel en se hy het niks nie. Hy het nie kos nie. My hart bloei vir die boer soos hy trane stort en homself verwyt omdat hy nie kan voorsien aan sy diere nie. Die hulpeloosheid moet oorweldigend wees. Die skaamte moet ‘n donker skaduwee oor die boer gooi.
Ek kyk vanaand na my bord en besef dat alles wat op daardie bord is kom van ‘n boer af. Ek besef toe hoe ek nooit net gaan sit het en dankie gesê het vir ons boere nie. Ek het skaam gekry. Ek het gesukkel om te eet. Ek was oorrompel met hartseer.
Boere, vergewe ons. Vergewe ons dat ons nooit besef het watter invloed julle op ons lewens eintlik het nie. Vergewe ons dat ons alles vanselfsprekend neem. Van vleis wat mooi verpak is tot groente wat mooi gewas en vars is. Mense besef nie as hul ‘n produk optel in ‘n winkel hoeveel bloed en sweet in daardie kos ingegaan het nie.
Vergewe ons dat ons dink dat kos ‘n reg is. Dat kos altyd daar sal wees. Ons besef nie dat dit more kan weg wees nie. Vergewe ons dat ons nie besef hoe goed julle vir ons is nie. Ek glo vas julle is die mense in hierdie land wat die minste vra maar die meeste nodig het. Julle maak nooit geraas as dit sleg gaan nie. Julle sak net neer op jul knieë en bid. Jul vertrou dat daar vir jul voorsien sal word.
Ek lees van boere wat in hul krale gaan sit en die sneller trek. Die dood verkies bo die hartseer. “A Captain never leaves his ship they say”. Ek kan nie eers indink hoe desperaat en hartseer ‘n boer moet wees om dit te doen nie. Niemand wil gesien word as ‘n teleurstelling nie. Nie vir sy medemens, sy grond of sy diere nie. Dit maak my hart bitter swaar.
Vergewe ons dat ons net ons koppe skud en julle jammer kry, dat ons ‘n post like sonder om twee keer te dink en dan net aangaan met ons daaglikse lewe. ‘n Like op ‘n post maak nie dat jou diere kos kry nie, ‘n like bring nie reen nie, ‘n like red nie lewens nie. Ons opinies verander nie jou realiteit nie.
Ek voel mense wat nie boere is nie is te bang om eintlik te besef wat aangaan. Ons verkies om nie aan dit te dink nie. Ons gooi n blinde oog. Ons verkies om te glo dat alles “ok” gaan wees. Vergewe ons. Ek dink nie mense wil hartseer wees nie. Soos ek vandag gevoel het oor een dier kan ek nie eers indink hoe ek sou voel oor ‘n kraal of ‘n land vol diere nie.
Vergewe ons dat ons nie jou desperaatheid kan voel nie. Ons weet nie wat dit is om ‘n vrag vol vee net te wil weggee omdat ons nie kos het vir hulle nie. Ons kla oor plante wat in ons tuine doodgaan en oor hoe onregverdig die lewe is. Ons verstaan nie hoe dit voel om in ‘n land te gaan staan in die stof, op te kyk na die hemele en te vra “hoekom” terwyl die hartseer jou oorkom nie. Ons verstaan nie, vergewe ons. Ons verstaan nie die vertoue wat julle toepas nie. Ons kan soveel van julle leer.
Vergewe ons dat ons nie altyd kan help nie. Ons het julle en alles wat julle vir ons doen vanselfsprekend geneem. Boere moet mos dit doen. Dit is julle werk. Vergewe ons arrogansie.
Vergewe ons dat ons nie besef die liefde wat julle het vir die grond waar jul boer nie. Die liefde, deursettingsvermoë en geloof wat dit vat om ‘n land te voed nie.
Ek kyk op na elke boer, groot en klein. Ek wil julle laat weet dat julle in my gebede is. Ek wil julle laat weet dat julle die fondasie van die land is en dat sonder julle ons niks kan doen nie. Hou moed, hulp is oppad. Hou moed, mense bid vir julle. Hulp is oppad! Hou moed, ons het julle nodig
Vergewe ons.

Nicole Viljoen

WAKE UP!

I sit in front of my laptop with this urge to shake every person I meet. Shake them awake and make them see that they are not living the life they should be living or the life that they want to be living. If you happen to be the person that is living the life they want to live then this article will bore you or you might actually feel like shaking other people awake because you know what I am talking about.
It’s like we are all moving along the lines set out for us by a society that aims to control how we feel, what we think and how we should be living our lives. We make others rich while barely making a living for ourselves. We work to survive, then we work again, to survive again and so it goes on. It’s absurd. We never really live…..
The Job – A Job is a short word for doing something you absolutely despise in order to generate an income to buy yourself stuff. The stuff you buy does not actually make you happy but gives you a short lived sense that you have something. The saddest part is that some people try to get through eight hours of their job a day to go home and then only to start living. By living I mean to sit in front of a television looking at a life portrayed to you by others because your brain is fried from al the mindless things you had to do today to earn a buck. We are crazy because we do this quite often.
The life that the television screen presents to us has no smell, you can’t touch it you cannot be a part of it. You are an outsider looking in on a structured illusion of what you think life is like. For some or other reason we are fascinated by this. Maybe because we feel our lives cannot be that exciting and that we don’t actually know what the hell we are doing here. So we indulge in what we think life should be like while sitting on our asses. We become obsessed and depressed. Why don’t you wake up? Get up and take the brave decision to follow the road less travelled and to actually do something that you love to do. What is the worst that could happen? You miss an episode of some stupid reality show? Are you scared your bank account will have less numbers to show? Do something that makes you come alive. We need some life when it comes to people. You need a vocation not a job. A Vocation is having a real passion for what you do and making that your profession.
Instead of forming conversations we stare at screens that show pictures with buttons that you can click on to show a type of emotion. You click on this button to portray an emotion without actually feeling it. Can an emoticon really express the emotion you feel? Really? Are we so simple? With all the new technology available it seems that an app is like a fairy godmother and can give you anything you need at the click of a button. So we truly become like spoilt children. Our environment looks like the remains of a child playroom with toys that no one wants to play with anymore. Its ridiculous people. We stuff ourselves with things to make us feel better about our lives. We need brands to feel like we are worth something. Just in interesting fact – There are over 6 million children working for 39 Dollars a month in Bangladesh who has never gone to school or experienced any form of a true happy life so you can wear a brand that makes you feel worth something……Let that sink in quickly.
We need food to comfort us when we are having an off day. We stomp our feet when we don’t get what we want immediately. We are the bullies of earth. We don’t share. We kill for space. Like we have a right to do that. We are like big babies. Only we can make the change. Somehow this change seems to be harder to make because it’s inconvenient. We want a fast and convenient life. (The loneliest life you will ever have)

I admire people that live their lives and enrich other people while taking the journey. The people that help others and themselves. The people that realized that there is more to life than staying in a place you hate, bearing a relationship you are dying in, working in a place that you cannot grow or feel fulfilled. These people are alive. These people may fail but they are awake. They are the ones with a full life. It’s scary to go this route. The unknown, the unpredictable.
Our culture, our society is in crisis. We are robots. We need to wake up and we need to do it fast. We need to stop acting so spoilt. Wake up and take care of the place you call home. We are the single living mammal that cannot adjust to our surroundings without destroying it. WHY? What do we need to prove?
Don’t get me wrong – I am not negative towards you. I want you to wake up. I want you to live a meaningful life. A Life where you make the choices. A Life where you are actually happy. I life where you are not ruled and dictated by money or things. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have more power inside of you that what you will ever realize. It will be such a waste for you to never experience the life that you were meant to live.
Do what you love, help where you can and remember that you have a responsibility towards yourself to live the life you were meant to live.The pity party and nowhere-ness must end eventually.